On this day.. this anniversary

I sit here alone on what would have been our two year wedding anniversary. It is fitting to be alone, without Mike I feel alone most of the time even in a crowd. I have been a widow for a month now. I have gone through the anniversary of the day we met three years ago, the day we got engaged, and now our wedding anniversary. All alone.

I wasn’t prepared for this yearning. I didn’t know I would have this need deep inside for him, that can’t be satisfied no matter what I do, or where I go. Nothing makes me feel better, the pain gets deeper and more intense and more painful.

We should be celebrating our anniversary.

Instead I sit alone with my memories. I watch the few videos I have of him, and I reread the letters he left me, and the cards you have sent with your memories of him. I think it will help, and yet it doesn’t.

I go to sleep alone at night looking at his picture on the night stand, and I wake up in the morning looking at his empty side of the bed.

It’s so painful, even long sentences hurt.

On our way to get married on this day 2 years ago, we rode alone to our church. Mike wasn’t afraid of his feelings, but he was a guy. He wasn’t big on flowery speeches, or big moments.

We were driving along. He asked me to put my phone down, I was answering a customer email, time of year you know. He said to me ” remember that day we met?” I said “yes, of course.” He said “When you walked into the restaurant my heart leapt, and then it sank.” I said why did your heart sink? He said ” I thought to myself “She’s way out of my league.”

He treated me like that every day.

Three years wasn’t nearly long enough.

Happy Anniversary my love.

Anne

8 Comments

  1. I feel your pain and wish there was something I could do to lessen it. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything except to provide assurance that you are cared for and that you will get through it. Grief is like waves, every now and again a big one comes through and knocks you over but then you get up, brush yourself off and keep going.

  2. My heart aches for you. There are many people who never have what you and Mike had. Try to focus on going forward. This is what he would want you to do.

    • My dearest Anne,
      Remember who you are for him. You are a faith filled woman
      My heart hurts for you. I pray that this feeling eases a little. Lean on others.

  3. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this, Anne. Each stage of the grieving process will bring a while new set of emotions. Even though right now you feel alone, please remember so many people who love you haven’t gone anywhere. They are right here to simply be there for you when you are ready. Sending you hugs now and through each and every stage of grief.

  4. I continue to pray for you from California. You have been a champion for your husband in so many ways. My continued prayer for you is that you try to take care of yourself… whatever that means.
    Blessings,
    Ginna

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