Loss and how to keep living

I felt the loss yesterday deeper if possible than I have since the day after he died.

It’s like he was never here. Our special memories are mine alone now, our shared journey is past. I wanted so desperately to discuss our election results with him. I wanted to get his reassurance that no matter what happens outside of our home that we would have each other. I wanted the safety of his love, his strength. I wanted him.

When Mike came home on hospice, we had a garage door issue. I am scared of garage doors malfunctioning. God and two husbands know that I have hit enough garage doors, garage walls, and stuff inside our garage while trying to park my car that I should be used to it by now. When our garage door malfunctioned this time, Mike made it to the door, and I demonstrated the issue. He knew immediately the problem, but was too sick to fix it. He had me call a repair guy, and the guy came out, and it was exactly as Mike had diagnosed.

I want that. I want Mike to diagnose this secondary loss, and tell me how to fix it. He hated to see me upset. He had a term for it. “Wound up” He would say ” Baby, don’t get so wound up.” I know he wouldn’t want me to be so sad. I can’t help it.

There are major things happening in my world, and my person isn’t here to talk about it with. My person isn’t here to commiserate with me on this pain, to help me make sense of it all. This is deeper than loneliness. This is what it feels like when your heart breaks.

I did finally get off the couch last night. I went to a cancer support group at my church. I realized when I got there that I was wearing sweats, one of Mikes blue t shirts with a pink hoodie over it and no make up.

Noone I know would recognize me. I barely recognize myself.

Anne

6 Comments

  1. Anne,
    I am so sorry for your loss. I know there are no words to console you, but please know that I feel your pain. I didn’t want to tell you that last year at the same exact time my sister passed away from cholangiocarcinoma. I wrote to you when when she was starting Keytruda, off-label (she did not have the same mutation as your husband). I was hoping and praying that one day they would meet, but maybe they will get to know each other in another realm. If you ever want to talk, by number is 917-626-0608.
    Love,
    Jeanne

    • I am so sorry for your loss. I remember us talking about your sister, and I wondered what had happened. I suspected she had passed away. This disease sucks.Anne

  2. I am so glad that you came to our cancer support group last night. I share your pain but can do nothing to alleviate it, only be available when you would like me to be. I am only one of the many loving, caring people to provide support for you and to share your memories with.

  3. Anne-
    It is so important for you to be able to write these things and to be able to express your grief. Life will never be the same and that sucks more than anyone could ever imagine. Nothing could ever prepare you for this loss; not the length of time you knew about his diagnosis and not the knowledge of the inevitable end when hospice was brought in and not even Mike’s own acceptance of his cancer and death. This all just fucking sucks and right now it feels like this sadness and heartbreak will never, ever end. I would give anything to take some of your pain away and share in your grief because I am sure it makes you feel like you are drowning. Thank God for our children, because it is our children that force us to get out of bed. We know we must keep going for them. But don’t ever feel guilty about taking the time to grieve. You must!!! You may feel like you will never be whole again, and you may not! Because a part of you is gone. A part of your heart ❤️ has been taken away. What is clearly evident to me is that there are an infinite amount of people that truly love you and don’t ever forget that!! Hugs my friend! Please hold on tight and don’t let go.
    Love you friend, Ronica

  4. Anne, I assure you, no one at support group cares about makeup or wardrobe. We were so glad that you joined us. I honestly didn’t think you would, and I was pleased to see you when I came in. Your blog from yesterday was so touching, so raw, and your pain was so real I could practically touch it. I wish we could make it better, and I hope you will give us that chance by coming again to group. Feel free to call if you need anything.
    Lynn

  5. Broken hearts are real Anne, but you are strong and your love for Mike will always be there to make you stronger.

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